Naught Shakespeare: Part II
Shakespeare's Naughtiest Lines
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| Hmmm...How to write elegant porn.....? |
William Shakespeare is, perhaps, the greatest writer the world has ever seen. Everyone knows his name. Everyone. The Bard wrote with an authority and style that many have tried to imitate and has, no doubt, been taught a hundred times over in school. Yes, the old Bard of Avon has achieved classic status. Yet, many people forget just how raunchy and X-rated many of Shakespeare's works actually are. Behind all of his elegant, flowery prosody, Shakespeare's works were very graphic. In fact, if his works were to be translated into Modern English, I have no doubt that they would never be taught in schools. Don't believe me? Here are just a few examples of the Bill's gutter mind:
“O Romeo, that she were, O that she were/an open-arse and thou a popp’rin’pear.”
–Romeo and Juliet, Act II, Scene I
Literal Modern Translation: "Too bad Rosaline isn't a walking vagina, homeboy."
2.) Original Text:
“But I might see Cupid’s fiery shaft
Quenched in the chaste beams of the watery moon”
–A Midsummer Night’s Dream, Act II, Scene 1
Literal Modern Translation: "I saw Love's flaming penis thrust into the virgin Moon's vagina."
3.) Original Text:
“Come, night; come, Romeo; come, thou day in night;
For thou wilt lie upon the wings of night
Whiter than new snow on a raven’s back.
Come, gentle night, come, loving, black-brow’d night,
Give me my Romeo”
–Romeo and Juliet, Act III, Scene II
Literal Modern Translation : Oh, god, I can't wait to lose my virginity. Romeo, bang me now!"
Shakespeare was something of a genius. He managed to make cheesy porn lines sound good! Here's an example of how he managed to successfully merge smut and wit in Hamlet:
Original Text Literal Modern Translation
HAMLET Lady, shall I lie in your lap? OPHELIA No, my lord. HAMLET I mean, my head upon your lap? OPHELIA Ay, my lord. HAMLET Do you think I meant country matters? OPHELIA I think nothing, my lord. HAMLET That's a fair thought to lie between maids' legs. | HAMLET Ophelia, should I lie in your lap? OPHELIA WTF?! No, Hamlet, you can’t. HAMLET Uh, I mean, may I lie my head in your lap? OPHELIA Oh...okay. HAMLET *scoff* What? Did you think that I was talking about banging? OPHELIA I wasn’t thinking anything. HAMLET Hmmm...Banging a chick actually sounds good right about now. |
*lie = As you all may know, in the olden days, to "lie" with someone meant to have sex with them.
*country = cunt-ry (talking about her vagina, people)!
*nothing = Slang for vagina (which, here, means sex).
I highly recommend getting a copy of Naughty Shakespeare as it contains much more depth and detail into the dirty mind of the Bard. You can get it at Amazon for a reasonable price. I actually got one for my friend who is a Lit major and she absolutely loved it:
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