Naughty Shakespeare: Part II

Naught Shakespeare: Part II

Shakespeare's Naughtiest Lines

Hmmm...How to write elegant porn.....?

William Shakespeare is, perhaps, the greatest writer the world has ever seen. Everyone knows his name. Everyone. The Bard wrote with an authority and style that many have tried to imitate and has, no doubt, been taught a hundred times over in school. Yes, the old Bard of Avon has achieved classic status. Yet, many people forget just how raunchy and X-rated many of Shakespeare's works actually are. Behind all of his elegant, flowery prosody, Shakespeare's works were very graphic. In fact, if his works were to be translated into Modern English, I have no doubt that they would never be taught in schools. Don't believe me? Here are just a few examples of the Bill's gutter mind:

1.) Original Text:

“O Romeo, that she were, O that she were/an open-arse and thou a popp’rin’pear.”
 –Romeo and Juliet, Act II, Scene I

Literal Modern Translation: "Too bad Rosaline isn't a walking vagina, homeboy."




2.) Original Text:

“But I might see Cupid’s fiery shaft

Quenched in the chaste beams of the watery moon”

 –A Midsummer Night’s Dream, Act II, Scene 1

Literal Modern Translation: "I saw Love's flaming penis thrust into the virgin Moon's vagina."

3.) Original Text:

“Come, night; come, Romeo; come, thou day in night;

For thou wilt lie upon the wings of night

Whiter than new snow on a raven’s back.

Come, gentle night, come, loving, black-brow’d night,

Give me my Romeo”

 –Romeo and Juliet, Act III, Scene II

Literal Modern Translation : Oh, god, I can't wait to lose my virginity. Romeo, bang me now!"

Shakespeare was something of a genius. He managed to make cheesy porn lines sound good! Here's an example of how he managed to successfully merge smut and wit in Hamlet:

Original Text                                                 Literal Modern Translation

HAMLET Lady, shall I lie in your lap?       OPHELIA  No, my lord.       HAMLET I mean, my head upon your lap?      OPHELIA Ay, my lord.       HAMLET Do you think I meant country matters?       OPHELIA I think nothing, my lord.       HAMLET That's a fair thought to lie between maids' legs.

HAMLET Ophelia, should I lie in your lap? OPHELIA WTF?! No, Hamlet, you can’t. HAMLET Uh, I mean, may I lie my head in your lap? OPHELIA Oh...okay. HAMLET *scoff* What? Did you think that I was talking about banging? OPHELIA I wasn’t thinking anything. HAMLET Hmmm...Banging a chick actually sounds good right about now.

*lie = As you all may know, in the olden days, to "lie" with someone meant to have sex with them.

*country = cunt-ry (talking about her vagina, people)!

*nothing = Slang for vagina (which, here, means sex).

I highly recommend getting a copy of Naughty Shakespeare as it contains much more depth and detail into the dirty mind of the Bard. You can get it at Amazon for a reasonable price. I actually got one for my friend who is a Lit major and she absolutely loved it:

Know any dirty Shakespeare Lines of your own?

For more information, please visit: The Mary Sue

                                                                                    

Naughy Shakespeare: Part I

Part I: A Shakespearean Lexicon of Naughty Terminology

I am a huge fan of Shakespeare and his witty double entendres. That being said, I came across this (from Transmedial Shakespeare) while doing some research on the Bard. 

Enjoy!

Bone-ache

Pain due to veneral disease; or, by extension, the disease itself. “The vengeance on the whole camp!” cries the bitter Thersites to his fellow Greeks, who are fighting a war for a wanton woman; “or rather, the Neapolitan bone-ache!” (Troilus, II.iii.17-19). (Naples was considered the home of syphillis.)

Bum

Buttocks. “Troth,” Escalus tells Pompey, “and your bum is the greatest about you, so that in the beastliest sense you are Pompey the Great” (Measure, II.i.217-19). Apparently describing undignified flattering “curtsies,” Apemantus mocks the “Serving of becks [precious nodding] and jutting-out of bums” (Timon, I.ii.231).

Cock

One can hardly miss the vulgarity of “Pistol’s cock is up,/And flashing fire will follow” (Henry V, II.i.52-53;also see PISTOL). Outside such double entendres, cock was also a substitute for the even more shocking word “God,” as in “By Cock” (Hamlet, IV.v.61) and “Cock’s passion” (Shrew IV.i.118)

Die

Have an orgasm. As Benedick begins to display the signs of lovesickness, his friends tease him mercilessly. They say the woman who loves him must not really know him or his “ill conditions” (bad qualities); yet in spite of that, she “dies for him” and “shall be buried with her face upward” (Much Ado, III.ii.67-69)

Dildo

See LEAP.

Do

The general, all-purpose verb for “have sex” (see subsequent entries for more specific predicates).

Erection

“They mistook their erection,” notes Mistress Quickly, meaning to say “directions.” Falstaff responds, “So did I mine, to build upon a foolish woman’s promise” (Wives, III.v.39-42)

Finger

The term “fingering” is more obviously bawdy in Cymbeline, when Cloten the clownish gallant hires musicians to help “penetrate” his resistant love object, Imogen. “Come on, tune. If you can penetrate her with your fingering, so; we’ll try with tongue too” (II.iii.14-15)

Leap

Synonymous verbs such as jump and vault, at times have the same bawdy meaning. When a dull-witted servant describes Autoclycus’s songs of “dildos and fadings, ‘jump and thump her” (WT, IV.iv.195), he proves his stupidity by judging them to be “without bawdry” (193-94). Dildo refers to either a natural or artificial male organ; “fading” is slang for “orgasm”; and “jump” and “thump” refer to how fading is produced.

Pistol

Given his explosive temperament and rapid-fire profanity, Ancient Pistol is aptly named indeed. Part of the joke is that pistol was also slang for PILLICOCK (meaning cock).

Plough

“Royal wench!” marvels Agrippa; “She [Cleopatra] made great ceasar lay his sword to bed;/ He ploughed her, and she cropp’d[gave birth]” (Antony, II.ii,227-29). “And if she [chaste Marina] were a thornier piece of ground than she is,” the pimp Boult proposes, “she shall be plough’d” (pericles, IV.vi.144-45).

Privates, Secret Parts

Genitalia. Rosencrantz and Guildenstern tell Hamlet they are neither sad nor over-happy — “on Fortune’s cap,” says Guildenstern, “we are not the very button.” “Nor the soles of her shoe?” asks Hamlet; “Neither, my lord,” Rosencrantz replies. “Then,” the prince continues, “you live about her waist, or in the middle of her favors?” “Faith,” jests Guildenstern, “her privates we.” Hamelet: “In the sweet parts of Fortune? O, most true, she is a strumpet [whore]” (HAmlet, II.ii228-36).

Punk

Low-class strumpet. An overdressed low class strumpet is a “taffety punk” (AWW, II.ii.22).

Rump

Rear end. See FINGER.

Slut

When the concubines Phyrnia and Timandra beg Timon for gold, Timon bids them, “Hold up, you sluts,/Your aprons mountant”–which means, “lift up your skirts to receive the gold; you’re used to it” (Timon,IV.iii.135-36).

Tail, Tale

Petruchio to Kate: “What, with my tongue in your tail?” (Shrew, II.i218); the suggestion prompts her to strike him. “Tail” could mean practically any sexy body part — probably “vagina” in this case.

Turd

The embarrassing result the way the Frenchman Dr. Caius pronounces “th.” “If there be one or two, I shall make-a the turd.” Evans: “In your teeth for shame!” (Wives, III,iii.236-37). Evan’s reply — which makes the point clear–was cut from the folio and is not printed in Riverside.

Whore

Used roughly fifty times in Shakespeare, most frequently in Troilus, Othello, Lear, Antony, and Timon. The word so horrified Victorians that it was exterminated from the stage and from some printed editions (such as Bowdler’s; see pages 18-19).

Will

Sexual desire, sexual organs, and William Shakespeare himself in Sonnets 135 and 136, too long and intricate to quote here.

Yard

Formerly a very common euphemism for “penis.”

*****

Some of the words here are still being used in the same lewd manner today. But words like “punk” and “yard” are used differently now and in a much cleaner context. This raunchiness is probably what endeared Shakespeare to the hoi polloi in his day, proving that the bard has some wicked sense of humor.

Please visit the wordpress blog for more information: http://transmedialshakespeare.wordpress.com/2011/02/28/naughty-shakespeare-lewd-lexicon/